


It's Not So Impossible

by annabeth_hamilton



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Depressed Remus Lupin, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Sirius Black, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Fourth Year, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, James is Sirius's best friend, Light Angst, M/M, Mauraders, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Suicidal Remus Lupin, Suicidal Thoughts, Werewolf Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-09-30 06:08:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17218421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annabeth_hamilton/pseuds/annabeth_hamilton
Summary: Remus and Sirius are both hiding their true feelings, both for each other and for themselves.It seems to them that it might go on like that forever until Sirius saves Remus.Confessions are made, hearts are mended and happiness is found.Sirius and Remus's time together at Hogwarts, from the end of Fourth Year to the end of their time at Hogwarts.





	1. Essays and Disappearances

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This fic contains graphic depictions of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Read at your own risk.
> 
> This is my first fic! Please let me know what you think by messaging me on my Tumblr https://www.tumblr.com/blog/classylunafan

     “-this essay will have to be at least three pages long and turned in to me by the beginning of class Monday,’” Professor Amaro paused, obviously waiting for somebody to ask the crucial question. Remus Lupin glanced at his fellow Mauraders, imploring one of them to ask the question for him so the class could end and he could start studying. Finally, Sirius Black obliged and raised his hand, snickering all the while.  
     

     “Oh, but Professor, whatever is this essay about?” James Potter smirked at Remus, who was obviously embarrassed at his friends’ antics.  
     

     “I’m so glad you asked, Mr. Black,” Amaro uttered in a monotone voice, “this essay will be about werewolves and,” Here he paused, looking around ominously, “  the dangers they pose to the wizarding world,”  
     

     The effect on the Mauraders was almost instantaneous. Remus sank into his chair further, the color drained from his face. Sirius’ face quickly turned a mottled red, and he would have jumped at the professor if James had not grabbed both of his arms and held him down. Peter Pettigrew, the fourth Maurader, glanced around the room nervously.  
     The rest of the class talked excitedly amongst themselves. For once, they were actually excited about an assignment. In one corner, the Ravenclaws were already planning what scathing remarks they would make about the werewolves. Moments later, Professor Amano dismissed them, and all the students filed out. Sirius glanced around for Remus, concerned for his friend, but he was gone.  
     

     “James!” he called after his best friend, “Where’s Remus?”  
     

     “Dunno,” James said, waiting for Sirius “but I bet he just headed to the common room,”  
     

     “James,” Sirius said again, “Do you think he’s all right?”  
     

     “I dunno. Moony’s pretty tough, though. I’m sure he’ll be fine,”  
     

     “I’m going to find him!”  
     

     Sirius felt mildly irritated at his best friend’s apparent disregard for Remus’s feeling, and he scowled at the scuffed tips of his shoes.  
     

     “You do that. As for myself, I heard Evans saying she was headed to the dining hall and I have some questions I want to ask her about Potions,” James winked at Sirius and left the room, whistling to himself jovially.  
     

     Sirius rolled his eyes and set off towards the Gryffindor Common Room. With the absence of his best friends came silence, and, he knew, judgment from the other students. They had all hated him from the day he arrived at Hogwarts with them because he came from a family they didn’t like. The stares and whispers always followed him, burned into him.  
      Whenever he was alone, he was also followed by the accusing stares from the Slytherins, who believed they had been robbed of another loyal Black, Of course, he never noticed them when he was with his friends, but he still felt them whenever he was alone.  
     Hearing the snickers from a cluster of Ravenclaws still chatting in the corner of the room, Sirius hastened his pace and was soon in front of the Fat Lady, who huffed irritably and asked him for the password. Before she could even finish her sentence, he was answering and bursting into the silent common room. On first glance, he saw that Remus’ favorite seat by the fire was vacant He meticulously searched the room and their dormitories for his friend, even checking the bathrooms, but Remus was nowhere to be found.


	2. Remus

     Remus was shaking all over, and a sheen of sweat had broken on his forehead. The quill in his hand was snapped and drenched with deep black ink that covered his entire hand, and his face bore spots of ink. He was hiding deep in the library where nobody else would go, sitting at a distant, far-off table where he could certainly get some sanctuary from his fellow students. The yellowed parchment lay stretched in front of him, half covered with inconsistent handwriting and ink splatters. Each word of it seemed to mock Remus, tell him what a failure he was. It was a testament to his deeply ingrained self-hatred

Worthless.

Undeserving.

Terrible.

Hated.

     He was undisturbed for the better part of the evening as he wrote his with psychopathic speed and determination. When he finally finished, he looked down and saw that his hands and his robes were completely spattered with ink. Luckily, the ink was nearly invisible against his black robes, but his hands were another story. It was immediately apparent that he would have to cast a spell to remove the ink, and he did, removing the stains from his skin. Like the good student that he was, he read over every word of the essay and made corrections as he went. By the end, he had completed his downward spiral and dwelled on the darkness inside. Why should anybody actually care about him? Werewolves were dangerous, a threat to everything the Wizarding World believed in. There was no such thing as a good werewolf. He deserved pain. He was better off dead.

    Steadily, he transfigured a spare quill into a tiny, sharp blade like he had done so many times before. Clutching the blade, he rolled up his left sleeve and cut a long, deep line across his forearm. The blood burst forth from the cut and covered the scabbed and scarred patches on his arm. Remus gasped sharply at the pain but relished it all the same. At least he could control this pain, unlike so much of his suffering. He cut another line, this time a little deeper. 

     Another.

Another.

And another.

     He was about to cut his arm again when he felt someone take the hand that held the blade. Remus almost jumped. He looked up.

_Sirius._

     "Remus? Remus-Merlin's Beard, Remus," His usually cocky voice was filled with concern and something that resembled fear. Remus felt lightheaded. He tried to wrench his arm from Sirius's grasp. 

     "Bloody hell! Sirius,  _let me go!_ _"_

    "Remus," Sirius looked him in the eyes, "Let go of the knife," his voice was shaking.

    "Fine," Remus opened his fist. Sirius took the knife and stuffed it into his robes. 

     "Remus, talk to me. Is it that damn essay Amano assigned? If it is, I'll kill him,"

     "No-I just-I don't," Remus paused. This was  _Sirius_ he was talking to. It was probably one of his and James's pranks; in fact, James was probably just around the corner with a group of students, giggling about how stupidly weak Remus was, "This is one of your pranks, isn't it?" Remus accused Sirius.

    "No! I would never-Remus, I swear!" For once, Sirius looked taken aback.

     " _Never?_ If Severus was here, you'd have all of Hogwarts here to mock him! Why should it be any different for me?" Pulling his sleeve down over his bloody arm, Remus stood up. 

    "Remus! Remus, wait!" But Remus was impervious to his pleas. Not even pausing to collect his essay, he ran out of the library. 

    Sirius was about to go after him, and he grabbed Remus's essay off the table. He would have immediately chased Remus had it not been for the clearest words on the page.

  _Every werewolf deserves to die._

Sirius felt panic spread through him.

He read the rest of the essay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 should be up soon. 
> 
> As always, pls msg me on my Tumblr: classylunafan 
> 
> if you have any thoughts/suggestions/questions/feedback!


	3. Wolfsbane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> This chapter contains a graphic description of a suicide attempt. Read at your own discretion.

     Remus was walking-no, more like running, to the Gryffindor common room. He didn't notice or care that the other students stared at him curiously. The only thing he felt was the growing pain in his blood-soaked arm. It didn't bother him. He pushed past a cluster of first years in the Gryffindor common room to get to his dormitory. Inside, he reached into his trunk and pulled out a familiar bottle filled completely with a silvery liquid. 

_Wolfsbane._

How many times had he uncorked the bottle? How many had he almost drank it? How many had he faltered?

This time, though, he was really going to drink in. He didn't deserve to live. Remus uncorked the bottle, and, without a seconds hesitation, drank the contents. Everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a dark, short chapter. It's mostly just filler for the next chapter. Don't worry, though! This story will have a happy ending, I swear.
> 
> -Elizabeth


	4. Dormitories

Sirius finished reading Remus’s essay, tears streaming down his face.  Every word that he read felt like a knife to his heart. Remus was hurting so much and Sirius had nothing to help him. Merlin's Beard, he should've been less of a self-absorbed arsehole and  _seen_ Remus. 

      Sirius sat on the floor, reeling. The last words of the essay still stuck in his mind: _Every werewolf deserves to die._

        Wait.

      _Deserves to die._

      _Every werewolf._

Remus. Remus was a werewolf. The message of the essay suddenly became clear.

        Remus _deserved to die._

“Remus!” Sirius cried out, but he knew Remus was long gone.

He had to find Remus before it was too late.

Where had he gone? There was one place he could start. The Great Hall. Sirius jumped up and tore out of the library, his heart pounding. He had to find James. James would help. He had to help. 

    James was in the Hall talking to Peter when Sirius burst in, out of breath and bursting with adrenaline.

     “James!” James and Peter turned around and stared at Sirius,

    “Sirius? Where’s Remus?”

    “I don’t know! He-James, his essay-he said all werewolves-they deserve to die,” Sirius panted

     “Bloody hell! We have to find him, now!” James was about to start sprinting out of the hall with Sirius when Peter tugged his sleeve.

    “James, Sirius, wait,” James and Sirius stared at him, their faces twin masks of anger, pain, and frustration, “I have the Map. We can find him faster with it,” Peter was already tapping the unassuming piece of parchment with his wand. James nodded. 

    “There,” James pointed to the Gryffindor dormitories on the map, where the name _Remus Lupin_ appeared to be. Oddly, it was flickering slightly. James turned to look at Sirius, but he only managed to catch a glimpse of Sirius’s dark ponytail disappearing from sight. Without a second thought, he grabbed Peter’s arm and dragged him after Sirius.

      Sirius reached the dormitories in no time. He shoved the door open with such force that it fell out of its hinges. Remus was not there.

     Wait.

      Sirius saw a glimpse of white near the opposite end of the room and stumbled over, afraid of what he might see. He fell to his knees. It was Remus, sprawled on the ground. His already-pale skin was almost milky, and his hand still clutched an empty flask.

    “Remus!” He heard somebody else shouting. It was James and Peter, who looked at Sirius, who was on the floor.

   “Get Pomfrey!” James wavered, “ _Now!”_ Sirius snarled. James still stood there, shocked, but Peter was gone. Sirius felt Remus’s wrist for a pulse. It fluttered faintly.

     “Remus, hold on, Remus, please,” he begged, “I care about you, please,” Sirius kept begging until somebody shoved him aside.

     “Mr. Black, kindly accompany Mr. Potter to the hospital wing. I shall speak to you there.” It was McGonagall. Sirius looked up and saw that her normally unreadable face was painted with fear, “ _Now_ ,”

     Sirius tried to stand, but his legs refused to hold his weight. Somebody helped him up and draped his arm across their shoulders. It was James. He didn't look to be much better off than Sirius. But he had somehow found the strength to help his best friend. Together, they stumbled to the Hospital Wing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a dark chapter. It gets fluffy in the end, I swear ;). 
> 
> As always, please check out my Tumblr classylunafan and msg me with any suggestions/questions/thoughts/ideas you have.
> 
> -Elizabeth


	5. Nursing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everybody!
> 
> Sorry it's been a while since I've updated. I've been on vacation with s****y wifi so the uploads haven't been working. 
> 
> Thank you for your support of this fic so far. Please feel free to send me any thoughts you have on my tumblr classylunafan. 
> 
> I loved the fanart one of you sent me. It means the world to me when you guys send me that sort of thing, so please send the art!
> 
> -Elizabeth

      “He-it was-Remus drank wolfsbane, Professor,” Sirius stammered, heavily supported by James.

      “Wolfsbane, Mr. Black?” Professor McGonagall stared at Sirius inquisitively.

      “Yes, Professor. The liquid looked exactly like the wolfsbane we brewed with Professor Slughorn a few months ago,” James sounded grim and resolute.

      “Very well, Mr. Potter. Do you-“ Her voice caught, and she didn’t continue.

     “Do we what?” James replied, almost angrily. Sirius put his hand on James’s arm. He didn’t want his best friend mouthing off to a professor, much less one as terrifying as McGonagall.

     “Nothing. You may stay here since you have no classes this afternoon, but _please_ do not disturb Madam Pomfrey unless it is urgent. Boys, I suggest you have a long conversation with Mr. Lupin when he wakes up,” she stared pointedly at Sirius, who nodded weakly. Without another word, she turned on her heel and left.

     James looked at Sirius curiously.

    “Padfoot,” he said, using the Maurader’s nickname for Sirius“Why are you so worried about Remus? He’s not your best friend, he’s not family,” James winced at his choice of words. It was no secret that Sirius hated his entire family and _certainly_ wouldn’t care much if one of them were in the hospital, “so why do you care so much? Why’d you search for him after class?” Sirius felt a pang of anxiety deep in his stomach. This was _exactly_ the conversation he’d been hoping to avoid, and now, there was no getting out of it. He would have to tell James the truth. After all, James would know if he lied.

    “I-James, can we sit down?”

    “Sure, Pads,” He paused seeing Sirius’s pale, anxious, face, “Are you alright?”

    “Yes, now let’s sit down,” James paused for a second before joining Remus, who had sunk into a stiff chair near Remus’s bed.

     “Pads, what is it?”

    “James, I-I like Remus. I like-“ His breath caught. How many times had he rehearsed saying these words to James? Why was it so hard to finally say them, “I don’t like girls, I-I like blokes,” James said nothing, only stared at him, “James? James, I’m sorry,”

     “Sirius,” James paused, “Sirius, I don’t mind that you prefer blokes. Really, I don’t.”

    “Really? But-but I-I thought everybody would hate me,” Although he was shaking, Sirius felt like much more clearheaded.

    “I’m your best friend,” James paused and seemed to consider something, “wait, so you like Remus?”

    “Yes.” Strangely, the words came out clear and strong.

     “Well, seeing as you helped me ask Lily out for butterbeer, I suppose I can help you get a date with Moony.” Sirius glanced at Remus, who was still unconscious. The nagging thought in his mind suddenly resurfaced.

    “James, is it our fault he drank the Wolfsbane?” Sirius knew what James was going to say but still wanted him to say it, regardless of the fact that he knew James would be lying.

    “No, Sirius, it’s not our fault.” Despite the resolve written on James’s face, something in his voice wavered.

    For some reason, James’s quick denial of any fault irritated Sirius. He suddenly wanted James to _leave._ Sirius wanted to be there for Remus if- _when_ he woke up. 

     “James, why don’t you go back to the dining hall? Lily’s probably still there,” James appeared to be slightly crestfallen at his suggestion, but nodded and left the room. Sirius moved his stool beside Remus, who was being tended by Madam Pomfrey. She didn’t acknowledge his presence and continued to pour some kind of liquid down Remus’s throat. When she finished, Sirius cleared his throat.

      “Madam, will he wake up?” Sirius had already been reassured by McGonagall that Remus would be _fine,_ but he needed to hear somebody else say it.

      “Hmm?” she appeared startled, “Oh-Yes. It’s a very good thing you told me it was wolfsbane because I was able to reverse the effects. Actually, I’ve been meaning to ask you a few questions.” She seemed to be asking Sirius if that was all right if she asked them.

     “Yes, erm-you can ask-“ Sirius stammered, his mind elsewhere. 

     “Good. Do you know if Mr. Lupin drank the wolfsbane voluntarily or if somebody forced him to,” Sirius swallowed the growing lump in his throat. He knew what he would have wanted for himself if he was ever in that situation, but he didn’t know if he wanted it for Remus. If he didn’t tell Pomfrey the truth, Remus might try again, but if he told Pomfrey the truth then Remus might lose everything. Sirius thought of all the times he had considered doing exactly what Remus did, and made his decision.

     “Madam, he was forced to,” Sirius itched to incriminate the Slytherins who had made his lonely walks down the hallways living hell, but he chose not to because he didn’t want his younger brother to feel the backlash from his decision.

    “Who did it?”

_Bellatrix. Lucius. Narcissa._

_“_ I don’t know.”

     “Very well. I have just sent for Professor Slughorn to bring a stronger antidote for Mr. Lupin. You can stay here or go to the dining hall.” Sirius couldn’t leave. He couldn’t leave Remus to wake up to an empty hospital wing.

     “I’ll stay.” Slughorn arrived soon after and administered an antidote. He informed Sirius that it would take Remus at least an hour to wake up and left. 

    Sirius settled in at Remus’s bedside and was immediately accosted by a pungent odor. The air around the bed was a curious mix of mangy fur, sharp tartness and an overwhelmingly sweet scent that made the entire place smell vaguely like perfume. Pinching his nose slightly, Sirius stared at Remus. In sleep, he looked nothing like the tormented boy Sirius had seen in the library. His skin was smooth and pale, although a jarring, dark scar cut harshly across one of his cheeks. Nevertheless, he looked so peaceful, happy even, that Sirius couldn’t resist reaching out and grabbing his limp hand. He saw the smeared blood still on Remus’s wrist and pulled down his sleeve. Pomfrey didn’t need to know what Remus had been doing to himself. It would only bring more harm to Remus.

     And so there he sat for a time, thinking about all the ways he had failed Remus and what he would say to him when he regained consciousness. He knew exactly what to say until Remus’s eyes finally opened, revealing a world of hurt and anger


	6. Consciousness

     Remus gradually became aware that he was, in fact, alive. With that came the realization that drinking the wolfsbane had not achieved its desired effect of killing him and that he would have to face the world again. He felt a strange, painful tingling throughout his body that seemed to lessen with each passing moment. A strange odor lingered in the air around him that reminded him of perfume mixed with dog fur. His eyes slid open to reveal the very world he had tried to escape and-wait. Was that Sirius beside him? Remus blinked several times to confirm that _Sirius_ had come to see him. After he blinked, it was clear that it was, indeed, Sirius staring at him. He also realized that something that never happened, happened. Sirius Black was at a loss for words. Somewhat frantically, he tried to come up with something eloquent to say, but could only blurt out a garbled sentence that made him sound like he’d had too much Firewhiskey.

     “What?” Sirius appeared startled at Remus’s attempt to speak.

     “Sirius?” was all Remus managed to get out.

     “The one and only.” Sirius looked as though he was trying to be confident, but was failing miserably.

     “Why are you here?”Remus wished he could take back the words as soon as he said them. He knew he sounded altogether too demanding, especially considering _he_ was the one in bed.

      “I-I wanted to be here when you woke up. It’s pretty shit to wake up alone in the hospital wing.”

      “I-Oh.” Remus suddenly remembered when, over the Christmas Holiday, when James and Peter had gone home and Sirius had almost died falling off his broom. Remus had been entirely too shy to visit Sirius in the hospital wing and instead hid in the library until Sirius had returned to normal. Their interactions were odd after that, as sometimes they would talk for long hours about everything and nothing, and, more often, neither of them would know how to have a conversation without one of them blushing and making excuses to leave. Remus knew he _liked_ Sirius as more than a friend, but closely guarded, along with all his other feelings, his feelings for Sirius. He knew nothing good would come of it, and instead resorted to hiding in the library whenever he could.

     “Yeah. Er-Pomfrey says that you are going to have to stay here for a while, but you should move around sometimes as long as you don’t go to class.” Sirius was talking a little _too_ fast, not that Remus could blame him after barely being able to string a coherent sentence together.

     “Did you-did you tell her?” Remus was afraid, terrified even, that suddenly everybody would be treating him with false kindness and caring too much and not enough.

    “Tell her?” Sirius seemed to realize what Remus meant, “No, I told her somebody made you. And she didn’t see your arms, either. She was too worried about the wolfsbane to notice, and I bandaged and covered them when she left to take care of another student.” Remus felt immense relief and gratitude wash through him. He also wondered; Why would Sirius do that for him? It seemed like Sirius genuinely understood how he felt and wanted to help him even though they were nowhere _near_ as close friends as Sirius and James were. Even so, the gesture made his heart flutter in a way that it definitely _shouldn’t_.

     “Thank you.” Remus’s voice sounded quiet and fragile. Just as Sirius was about to say something else, Madam Pomfrey noticed that Remus was awake and bustled over to check on him. Remus awkwardly answered her questions, with Sirius occasionally adding details or correcting him. When she was done, she sternly informed him that he needed more rest and handed him a sleeping-draught to drink. As soon as he downed the flavorless draught, she turned and left, leaving Remus alone with Sirius.

     There were so many things Remus wanted-no needed, to say to Sirius, but something-whether it was the draught or something else, prevented him from speaking.

      _I like you._

_Do you like me?_

_I'm sorry._

Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but his words were lost to Remus as everything went dark and he descended into oblivion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody!
> 
> As always, let me know what you think on my tumblr (classylunafan) or (this was just brought to my attention) email me at pitlyd265@gmail.com. I love hearing from you guys!
> 
> -Elizabeth


	7. Reminiscence and Regrets

     “I like you,” the words were spilling out of Sirius’s mouth before he could stop them any longer. But they were to no avail. Remus’s eyes were already closed and there was no sign that he heard Sirius. Sirius didn’t know if he could make himself say those words to Remus again. They felt like a knife to his heart, despite his knowing he would always have somebody to comfort him. His feelings for Remus were yet another thing that distanced Sirius from the rest of his family, he already hated seeing them every summer, and if they knew he didn’t even love girls the way he was supposed to, they would certainly disown him once and for all. Regulus, who he cared about more than Sirius cared to admit to anybody, even James would surely be destroyed by the loss of his only brother. Sirius would have tolerated endless years of torment at his mother’s hands for Regulus, although, like Sirius, Regulus acted as though he hated Sirius with every ounce of his being unless they were alone.

     Sometimes Sirius wondered what his life would have been like if he had been sorted into Slytherin. He probably would have turned out just as cruel and narcissistic as his mother and just as unforgiving as his father. The thought genuinely terrified him, but he wished his family would just _love_ him like they did his brother. He remembered those early days after his Sorting when he had still tried to be the perfect son his parents wanted him to be, but everything he did seemed to cement his place In their hearts as the failed child. He wished he could say those days were long behind him, but sometimes the longing for a true family was so powerful that he wished he had been sorted into Slytherin if only to see the rare flash of pride his mother showed towards Regulus directed towards him. The Mauraders were like brothers and their presence partially filled the void in Sirius's heart, but none of them were the people he wanted most to be cared by.

     He’d seen the Mirror of Erised, hidden away in an abandoned classroom on one of the Maurader’s midnight gallivants. It had shown him exactly what he knew he would see; his family, all looking at him with love and pride and without a touch of remorse or hatred. James had openly told them exactly what he had seen (himself, kissing Lily Evans whilst holding the Quidditch World Cup trophy), as had Peter (finally finding courage), but both Remus and Sirius had refused to tell the others what they had seen. Sirius would never tell them what he had seen. The truth hurt him too much. Sirius often wondered what Remus had seen, but had never asked him.

     The thought of _his_ last major time in the hospital wing still haunted him. He remembered the blackness that came from hitting the ground, and then nothing until he woke up, completely and utterly alone, in the hospital wing, not a friend in sight. Lucius and Bellatrix and the others had stopped by to torment him, which they did easily without James to protect him, and he was utterly defenseless until Pomfrey sent them away. It felt like a punch to the stomach that Remus had never so much as visited him, but he also, to some extent, understood why. It had taken him almost a day to completely heal from his fall, but when he did, he spent most of his time far from Remus in the Gryffindor common room, drawing. He wished Remus had heard him when he made his confession and felt a pang of sadness deep in his chest.

    James came back sometime later to check on Sirius and Remus. Concern etched across his face, he urged Sirius to go up to the common room to rest. Sirius wanted to tell James what he had said, but he was so exhausted that all he could do was allow James to drag him to their dormitory. Many sleepless hours passed before Sirius finally fell asleep, Remus's name floating through his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody!
> 
> It's like 2am, so if this chapter sounds like a bunch of rambling nonsense, please forgive me.
> 
> As always, let me know what you think on my tumblr classylunafan or email me at pitlyd265@gmail.com. I love to hear from you guys!
> 
> I'm planning on making this fic longer than I originally did, so expect a ton more angst and slow burn. 
> 
> -Elizabeth


	8. Games and Awkwardness

As soon as breakfast ended, Sirius took a plate laden with food and dragged James and Peter to the hospital wing to see Remus. When they arrived, Sirius could immediately tell that Remus was faking sleep to avoid Madam Pomfrey at all costs. Sirius couldn’t blame him, he had done the exact same thing when he had been in the hospital wing. As soon as they reached Remus, James glanced at Sirius expectantly. Sirius felt himself turn a deep red and feigned a coughing fit to turn away. When he had recovered reasonably well, he looked up and saw everybody, including Remus, staring at him.

      “What?” He exclaimed, perhaps a bit angrier than he intended.

     “Have you quite recovered?” James’s voice was dripping with sarcasm.

     “Shut up.” Sirius silenced James with a glare before he could say anything else.

    Remus was looking at Sirius strangely, as if seeing him for the first time. Sirius’s mind immediately went to his confession right before Remus had fallen asleep. Had he heard him? Would he say anything? Sirius was suddenly very afraid. To his everlasting relief, James started to talk.

     “Moony, are you all right?” Sirius winced. That was _not_ the right thing for James to say. Remus also cringed, but smiled weakly.

    “Yeah, that essay topic just-“ his voice caught. Sirius knew he was lying, but whether it was to himself or to his friends he didn’t know.

    “Well, McGonagall nearly killed Amano about that essay. He actually _apologized_ to all the Fourth Years over breakfast. Said it was “hateful and not right” and dismissed us from having to write it.” Remus’s expression was imperceptible as he nodded slightly. It seemed to Sirius that he hated this conversation and would much rather James leave. Sirius knew James could be _too_ sarcastic at times and put his hand on James’s shoulder before he could say anything else. There were no classes that day, so the Mauraders spent the better part of the morning talking to Remus. After some awkward conversation, Peter scurried upstairs to fetch a game of wizard’s chess for him and Remus to play. James and Sirius watched and jokingly cheered and sabotaged the player’s efforts by pointing out both side’s strategies. By the end of the game, everybody was in much better spirits. They were all happily joking and laughing when Pomfrey decided they had gotten too loud and banished the Mauraders from Remus’s bedside. Sirius lingered for as long as possible, despite James’s best attempts to drag him away and Pomfrey's insistent lecturing. Eventually, Pomfrey relented and allowed _just Mr. Black_ to stay with Remus. James winked at Sirius suggestively and left with Peter in tow. 

      “Er-did you hear what I said last night?” Sirius stammered once he had taken a seat.  He _had_ to know, despite the awkwardness of the question.

      “I don’t know.” Remus appeared to be telling the truth, “What did you say?”

      “Nothing. Good night. That’s it.” Sirius was certain Remus knew he was lying, but, surprisingly, Remus didn’t press the issue and grimly nodded.

      “Why did you stay?”

     “I-“ Sirius’s breath caught, “care about you.”

     “Oh.”

     “Remus, I need to talk to you. Alone. I’ll be here at midnight.”

     “Why not now?”

     “Alone,” Sirius repeated insistently.

     “Sure.”

     “Do you need me to bring you anything? Books? Schoolwork?”

     “Actually, could you bring me the book beside my bed?” Remus sounded timid as if asking for something wasn’t allowed. Actually, Sirius understood that feeling, and he nodded.

   “I’ll be right back.” Sirius stood up and left the infirmary, his heart beating out of his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody!
> 
> These chapters have mostly been filler, but I'm planning on making things get interesting in the next couple of chapters. 
> 
> As usual, email me at pitlyd265@gmail.com or msg me on tumblr (classylunafan)
> 
> Thank you for your support of this fic!
> 
> -Elizabeth


	9. Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter doesn't have any dialogue, so it might be a little slow, but I added a flashback to make up for it.
> 
> -Eliza

  After dropping off Remus’s book, Sirius spent the rest of the day trying not to worry about meeting with Remus. He went to the library first and cleaned Remus’s workspace. Blood dotted the floor, making Sirius wince and quickly use his wand to remove it from the carpet. He was about to destroy the essay, but something stopped him. Instead, he crumpled it and stuffed it into his pocket. Remus’s quills were all either destroyed or soaked irreparably with blood and ink, so he swept them into his pocket to throw away later. He made a mental note to buy Remus a new set of quills. Sirius had more than enough of his parent’s money that he didn’t want, and he wanted to at use _some_ of it to help his friend.

      Next, he left the library and went to his favorite hiding place underneath a large tree on the opposite side of the lake. To get there, he switched into his Animagus form and plodded along the lakeside until he reached the spot underneath the tree. From there, he could see across the lake to see Hogwarts silhouetted majestically against the pure blue sky above. Underneath the shade of the tree, Sirius finally allowed himself to shed a few tears for Remus. Admittedly, some of them were for himself, for his fear and sorrow he carried with himself everywhere. James would never understand-or find him-in that hidden spot across the lake.

Meanwhile, Remus was very much alone, although not as lonely as he should’ve been, all things considered. His urge to end his life had eased slightly, although he knew it would resurface soon. Peter stopped by again to bring him lunch and the Maurader’s Map, saying Remus might want to watch the students moving about. He couldn’t stay, he said that he was taking some girl underground to Hogsmeade. When Remus asked about Sirius and James, Peter told him that they couldn’t find Sirius and that James was looking for him. Peter appeared to be in a hurry, so Remus told him he could leave and opened the map.

      Immediately, he found himself scanning every inch of the map for the name _Sirius Black,_ even scanning the passageways out of the castle, but the only names underground were those of _Peter Pettigrew_ and _Gina Smythe_. There was one place where he knew Sirius could be, and he wanted so _badly_ to find Sirius that he started to push the blankets off. He was still in his Hogwarts sweater and pants, but both were still covered with stray spatters of blood and ink. His wand was nowhere in sight. Remus decided to leave the blood and ink and unsteadily stumbled out of the Hospital Wing.

    The wolfsbane had made him weak, so weak that his joints ached with every step and his head throbbed with pain. His insides felt burnt somehow, all sharp and pained. Nobody was in the halls of Hogwarts, not even the professors. The weather, Remus assumed, was altogether to beautiful for anybody to be inside. As soon as he got outside, he took a shortcut that cut across the least used castle grounds to the end of the lake closest to Hogwarts. From afar, it appeared that _somebody_ was definitely underneath the large tree on the opposite end. It had to be Sirius. Remus, his body protesting the entire way, beat his way through the underbrush and around the lake.

_It had been an accident, really, when Remus had discovered Sirius’s hiding place. It was the middle of Second Year, a day after the full moon. Remus had been unusually affected, and he wanted somewhere to hide from the prying eyes of James and Sirius. Sobbing, he had beaten his way through the underbrush and sunk down underneath a tree. There was a larger tree not far from Remus, but he was too weakened by his tears to go to it. He cried and he cried until there were no more tears left for him to cry. Remus couldn’t face James and Sirius yet, not when he looked like a total wreck, so he stared at the horizon until he heard a branch snap. His head whipped around and, to his dismay, he saw Sirius, fuming with anger, storming towards him._

_Certain Sirius was about to confront him, Remus was about to call out when he noticed Sirius was stopping and sinking into a well-worn nook underneath the large tree.  He threw a large branch into the lake and screamed with frustration. Sirius, after throwing several more branches and rocks, seemed to collapse into himself and curled in a ball. Remus had wanted to talk to Sirius, find out what was wrong, but he was afraid of his anger, so, instead, he fled his hiding place as quietly as he could._

_Remus had observed Sirius storming off in that direction whenever he was upset, so it only made sense that he would go there now._

The walk around the lake seemed to take ages. Remus’s body hurt more with every passing step, but he refused to stop or turn back. The lightly beaten trail started to curve sharply inward. Remus’s palms were sweaty and his heart was pounding, although neither was caused by his long walk. He wiped his hands on his filthy pants and tried to steady his breathing.

     In a few steps, he was in the clearing, looking straight at Sirius, who was staring resolutely at the sky.

    Remus walked towards him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody! 
> 
> Thank you for your support of this fic! 
> 
> Email me at pitlyd265@gmail.com or talk to me on tumblr if you have any questions/feedback/ideas. Also please leave comments. I love reading them!
> 
> Tumblr: classylunafan
> 
> -Eliza


	10. Eyes and Only

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda long.

Sirius was absorbed in his thoughts when he heard the unmistakable movement of another person near him. Startled, he looked up. He saw something out of the corner of his eye that looked like a Gryffindor sweater, and a moment later, he heard somebody sit down beside him. It was Remus. 

     Oh shit.

     _Remus._

     Sirius gaped, unable to form words.  Luckily, Remus said something.

     “Sirius, what’s wrong?”

     “With me?” Sirius’s voice came out high pitched.

    “No, the other Sirius who’s sitting in this tree.” Remus cracked a weak smile, but Sirius could tell his heart wasn’t really in the joke. 

    “Remus-you should be in the Hospital Wing!” Sirius was suddenly frantic. He saw how pale and weak Remus looked, “Why are you here?”

   Remus waved his hand dismissively. “I’m fine. James was worried about you, and, honestly, so was I.”

   “You? Worried about me? You were in the _Hospital Wing,_ Remus, because you tried to drink _wolfsbane.”_ Sirius was angry at Remus, angry that he had the _nerve_ to be worried about Sirius while he could barely stand. “You should be, I dunno, _in bed!”_

    “Sirius. Calm down.” Remus put his hand reassuringly on Sirius’s arm. Sirius pushed it away, afraid of the contact. The air between them was thick and Sirius could feel Remus draw a breath. “I heard-I heard what you said. In the Hospital Wing, I mean.” Sirius was shaking. He looked at Remus, who was chewing his lip. Desperately, he tried to think of something, _anything_ to say. Only one word managed to form.

    “And?” The world narrowed to Remus’s face. Sirius’s heart pounded deafeningly, and he felt as if he was going to cry.

    “I-“ Remus paused and gulped, “Me too.” He winced.  Sirius fell off of the root he was perched on, landing on his elbow. It ached, but he was too giddy to care at all. Once again, he was speechless because of Remus Lupin. “Merlin’s Beard, Sirius. Are you all right?”

    “More than alright,” Sirius laughed shakily. “Amazing.” He pulled himself up and sat beside Remus. In that moment, nothing else seemed to matter except for Remus. He felt so full, yet at the same time, he felt as if he would break down into tears. “What now?” His voice sounded painfully loud against the serene silence.

    “I don’t know. I’ve never done this before.” Remus glanced at Sirius beside him.

    “Erm, want to get butterbeer or something in Hogsmeade?” Sirius felt happier than he ever had. Although the moment was slightly awkward, he was slowly regaining confidence. How could he ruin this moment? He didn’t think it was possible.

    “Yes!” Remus almost shouted. Sirius looked over and saw a smile on his face. Somehow, his paleness and weakness had disappeared, at least for the moment. Remus looked good. Sirius wanted to kiss him. No, he wanted to-Sirius stopped himself. Now was not the time. He wanted to savor this moment forever. Luckily, Remus cut into his thoughts before he could say anything else. “When?”

     “Whenever you want to,” It was true. They could get to Hogsmeade any time through the secret passage.

     “As soon as I’m out of the Hospital Wing.” Right. Sirius’s spirits fell. He’d forgotten what Remus had done-tried to do not even a day before. Remus seemed to see that he’d misstepped, and the smile disappeared.

     “Remus-“

     “I’m sorry, Sirius. It’s just-“ Remus stopped himself, his brow creased.

     “What? Remus, whatever it is, you can tell me.” Sirius offered his hand to Remus, who took it. Remus’s hand was warm, and Sirius smiled in spite of it all. He was surprised when Remus started talking immediately. HE had expected Remus to shut up, or run away. It was only natural, after all. He was a Black.

    “I just- last night, I remembered why nobody likes werewolves. We’re vicious, uncontrollable creatures that are a threat to everything the Wizarding World is meant to be.” Remus didn’t hesitate for a moment, and his voice was deathly even, “People like me can’t get decent jobs, we can’t marry and have children. We’re all wanted in _Azkaban_ because of our crimes. If half of the people at Hogwarts found out what I am, I’d be dead in a minute. Every transformation I’m a threat, I’m a threat to you and to everybody else, Sirius, and threats have to be destroy-destroyed.” Remus’s voice finally broke, and Sirius’s heart along with it.

     Sirius had no idea what he was supposed to say. Should he have reassured him? Told him it wasn’t true? Tell him nobody would care? No, that would only be lies to Remus and to himself. Sirius knew the truth. He hated it, but he knew it. So he did the only thing he could think of. He started talking.

     “My family hates me.” Sirius took a shaky breath “They do. They always have, even before my Sorting. I was never mean enough, never gullible enough, and never cruel enough to be a _Black._ After my Sorting, they wouldn’t talk to me unless it was to hurt me. My mother cast the Cruciatus Curse on me over the winter holiday. My father beat me the Muggle way, with a belt and cane. I doubt he would’ve if I had told him that it was how Muggles did it. In the beginning, Regulus tried to stop them, but he practically _worships_ the ground they walk on.” Sirius’s eyes stung, but he continued, “My cousins here give me hell whenever I’m alone. Sometimes-“ His breath hitched. He wanted to stop, but he couldn’t, “Sometimes I wish they’d just cast _Avada Kedavra_ and be done with me.”

   Remus paused, and then looked Sirius in the eye, “How’d you fall off the broom, Sirius?”

   “I-I fell.” Sirius felt a knot in his stomach.

     “Really? Is that what happened?” Remus was staring at him intensely. Sirius wished he hadn’t said anything. Of course he had to say something _stupid_ and ruin everything.

     “Yes. I-I was flying and I slipped. I held on for a second and then…”

     “Did you fall, Sirius, or did you let go?” Why did Remus care? Sirius was the one who was supposed to be caring for _Remus_ right now, not the other way around. Remus was the one who drank wolfsbane and-

     “I-I let go.” He had wanted to _badly_ to tell somebody what had happened, “Lucius and Bellatrix were taunting me. I-I took James’s broom and flew up to get away. I slipped. I let go.” Of course he had to say it, now Remus was going to see him as a narcissist with no regard for other people’s feelings. Sirius had to make it all about _him._ It was his fault.

     “Sirius,” Remus squeezed his hand, “Sirius, I understand how you felt. In that moment, death seemed like the only reasonable option.” _The only reasonable option?_ Remus had been in the Hospital Wing because he tried to drink wolfsbane only hours before. Why was he the one telling Sirius he was all right?

      “I don’t want to leave you, or James, or Regulus, but sometimes I wish the fall had killed me. I wish I was dead. I shouldn’t, but I do.” Now Sirius couldn’t stop the confessions. They seemed to pour out of him like water bursting through a dam.

      “Let’s-let’s make a pact.” Remus was crying now.

     “A pact?”

     “A pact. When you’re feeling that, tell me, and I’ll stay with you until you’re feeling better. You do the same for me.” Sirius nodded.

     “Remus, how are you so calm?” Sirius cursed himself. Of course, he couldn’t keep his damn mouth shut, “I mean, I’m not the one who was just in the Hospital Wing, and yet you’re telling _me_ how we’re going to handle this.”

     “In the Hospital Wing, I realized something. I don’t want the world to be without me. I just want to be without the world as I saw it. I don’t want to leave you, Sirius. You’re the only good thing I have.” Remus choked back tears, “Sirius, talk to me. Anytime. Please. I can’t lose you.” Sirius nodded again.

      “A pact, then.” Remus was still holding Sirius’s hand, and Sirius wished he would never have to let go. They stayed there, two broken boys together until the sky began to dim and the air began to chill. Together, they rose and walked back to the castle, hand in hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand that's a wrap! This pic turned out a bit shorter than I originally planned, but stay tuned for more fics!
> 
> I'm currently accepting feedback and suggestions for future fics! You can contact me at:  
> Email: pitlyd265@gmail.com  
> Tumblr: classylunafan


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